[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT: Dark past.... Redux

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Dark past.... Redux

I shouldn't be writing this shit, but it's 1:30am and I can't sleep.

I've always seen blogging as a sort of self-help process, or maybe really it's a an ego trip. Either way, I'm writing it.

Anyway, yes, a dark past of mine has been rearing its ugly head for a while and it's causing quite a concern. Why? Because it was 'dark', depressing and woefully unnecessary on my part. But now it's unfolding again with another subject - all the way here in Hong Kong. There goes the geographical factor out the window.

There's been very few women (girls - back in the day as I called them) that I find myself head over heels with. Last one was a few years ago with 'G', and ended in personal tragedy I might add. And even though she was in a relationship already I knowingly torpedoed myself into that trap. I knew nothing would happen but the lure was too strong. Followed a sense of false hope perhaps. And it wasn't something superficial, yet not obsessive - ya know, the weird, creepy kind. It was like you finally found that someone... perhaps this old cheesy saying can sum it up, and I'm sure I've used it before: "Fate brought us together but we have no desinty." My fiasco at the fucking US Embassy and beginning of my eczema exacerbated my melancholy... Quite literally the worst time of my life.

'G' remains a distant memory, even if it was quite recent. Plus, she's bad at replying my emails! She did come visit me twice and it was fantastic seeing her again.

Well, now that I'm enjoying the media world and with my skin improving (dramtically lately), it seems I'm becoming vulnerable to the one culprit again - that fervent amour for another.

Of course in general it's not a bad thing! But it's turning into the same fucking story all over again! Seriously, the scenarios are almost alike, just with a different person, all the way here in HK. I do resent these feelings because the fucking stuipid left side of my brain has gone haywire. And it's not like vile, perverted thoughts. It's like you constantly miss someone... Hoping you'd get to see her once in a while, if not catch a fleeting glimpse. Or hoping your next SMS would be another one of her silly but sweet messages. And I tell ya, all these little things add up.

Man, with my recent track record, I really hope this isn't going to become part of a streak.

Should've tried to plan that trip to Tibet better - I was hoping the solitude and spine-chilling coldness would knock some sense into me. I can't blame myself for being bitter about this. She's a great gal and we get along great but I I'm not going to say anything, I'll keep my composure and remain friendly as ever, and she doesn't need to know because what's the point? Just like why I'm writing this - utterly pointless. And that's what really pains me - these feelings are utterly, utterly pointless and won't go returned. It's never like the movies, mate.

Here I am drifting away when I could be using this valuable time like *actually* trying to sleep. And that's what it was like before with 'G', I was pondering and drifting hoping to find some sort of closure.

One of my favourite songs is once again becoming ever more so poignant. The Smashing Pumpkins may be my favourite band but Billy's melancholic love songs really tears your heart out.

Some people say I sigh too much. Now you know why. I'm one melancholic bastard! And I blame Billy Corgan.