[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT: Want to disappear

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Want to disappear

After 3 days of sleepless nights coupled with 3 days of hectic work and numerous coffees and Red Bulls, I'm sure I'll soon collapse and then maybe I'll get some decent sleep for once.

When I was younger I developed a mild heart condition called a 'murmur' - basically an irregular heartbeat that is most of the time non-threatening. Lately, I've been noticing my heart beating a lot harder and slightly quickier. For many years, I've been unable to sleep on my left side because it puts pressure on my heart, causing uncomfort. Yes, I know it sounds strange but I've gotten used to it. I suspect it's because of my body's generation of adrenalin that's been keeping me more awake than I should be physically and mentally. But I'm also suspicious of the root reason why I couldn't sleep in the first place - sending me into this vicious circle - and it's become more acute in the past month or two. I can't remember the last time I've fallen asleep before tossing and turning and cursing for hours.

But NOW I'm really worried. What's changed? It's that I'm feeling that same sort of pressure or numbness even as I'm sitting down typing this and I no doubt will have another stressful time trying to sleep tonight. My breathing's irregular and I feel as if my heart's going to pop out because it's beating so hard. Essentially, my heart hurts.

And fuck, I have to admit it's because of her again.

As much as I try and let go of these feelings and pick myself up, I just can't help giving in into the desire and longing. It's not 'wanting' - yes, she's pretty - but she's also fun, energetic, full of life, in short - a wonderful individual. But like 'G', she has someone already. I admit it's becoming hazardous just being her friend. So why not just break off contact with her? Or even try to win her away? What do I have to lose? Well besides risking a unique friendship, I enjoy her company so much and I don't have the ego or selfishness to do such a thing.

Call me a fucking pussy or whatever, I don't care. As I've grown older I've not been one to look for a fling or date someone just for the sake of social conventions. I wish there was such a machine to erase my memories of her, like in the film 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.' I really, really want to stop feeling so shitty. It's making me insociable and introverted because I keep these things to myself. Perhaps because growing up with a rather lonely and strict childhood, I never was quite chatty and had to depend on myself to resolve issues. I'm not proud of myself for being like this, and writing about all these 'feelings' and conceptions of love. What I wouldn't give right now to fire a few hundred rounds from an AK-47. It's strange though, I find myself quite upbeat among friends and colleagues, always joking and teasing around, but it's not been consistent lately - a certain colleague always complains I sigh too much, and I never noticed it until recently. Nowadays it seems my days end with one long sigh.

I'm flying back to see my family whom I miss so much and to the country I'm proud to call home, yet I can't muster up the resolve to feel excited about it. Right now, I'm just glad to leave Hong Kong for a while. But that's the wrong way to say it because I do like HK, my friends, my job and colleagues here... It's gone all down hill since I've gotten to know her, and without closure, it's going to get worse... even more so if I just keep it to myself like I did with 'G'. I do not want to go down that road again because I barely kept it together for those 3 years. Patience may be my virtue, but it's also been my downfall.

If this is the beginning of that road again, I might face some serious obstacles as to performing my work duties well. I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but this is what past experience has shown me. I had no enthusiasm, didn't want to converse and had no work spirit at all. So, I just had to leave the country, disappear. Would I be willing to give up all I have here? I think these coming few weeks or months will tell.
I'm trying real hard to come to terms with it, believe me. I just cannot for the sake of my life comprehend how it became like this, and why it had to happen again. But it's not like she's a subsititute for 'G', not at all. I just never thought I would meet someone as enchanting as her again.