[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT: No hopes, no dissapointments... just live

Thursday, April 17, 2008

No hopes, no dissapointments... just live

Wouldn't it be abso-fucking-lutely funny if I couldn't go to Beijing? All the mental preperations and informing people all for nothing. There's still some things to be sorted out from my bosses' end before I'm set to leave. Knowing how bureaucratic our system is, I'm doubt I'll leave on my proposed date of May 2nd.

I'm in this temporal flux right now where I don't give a shit about anything - no hopes, no disappointments, that sort of mode... just dying to whisky myself away to a foreign and hostile environment. I guess there is still a slight bitter taste in my mouth given the shit I had to go through these past 5-6 months. I've moved on but there is still a lingering resentment at myself for being such a love-struck fool. I'm going to make myself immune by purposely being cynical and cold as ice for the time being. I cannot afford to be paralyzed like that again, not when so much is expected of me right now. That's why I can't wait to be in a heightened sense of alertness that I usually get when in unfamiliar environments. That will distract me enough till all those lingering bad feelings fade away into obscurity. Just like it had before.

I do of course want to return to Hong Kong after my Olympic expidition. I see this trip as a way of 'realigning' myself because I've been feeling so out-of-place with myself, my environment, friends and family. It's like I don't belong anywhere. My feet is constantly off the ground, floating aimlessly and without direction in life. I guess my problem is that I have too many aspirations and not enough inspiration. I need to find a cause and fight for something!!