[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT: SOS...

Monday, May 09, 2005


I felt like i've been doing everything for everyone lately.. it's not that i mind helping others, i'm fairly stressed out myself. After all my motto is 'if i can help, i'll help.' But sometimes I just frustrated at others because they had the opportunity to learn but had squandered it themselves. I would teach them to do things, rather than just opening the door for them. But that'll be the long way round wouldn't it? And I'm way too impatient for that.
One time in digital photography class I had asked the lecturer for assistance. A certain someone who we'll call 'C. O'Cleary' joked behind me "Ed? Needing help? Not so smart now!" (I knew he was joking or else I'd erase his docuementary!) But then I wondered, do some view me as some nerdy smart-ass? And is my modesty just plain annoying? Sometimes I can't differentiate between flattery and sarcasm. I really don't like that sort of attention, I prefer to be the underdog.
I've been used by others in the past, and I admit to having reservations about people when they need my help, but i shouldn't think that way. I guess sometimes i'm just a sucker for a pretty face or i follow that damn motto too often.
People have been telling me how great it is going to Manhattan for an internship. But I honestly can say that i'm only half excited and the other half nervous. Maybe because I don't know anyone there and not knowing what to expect? But I relish these situations! That's what makes life interesting! To get lost myself (metaphorically) in a foreign country is what I call an adventure. So why all the anxiety? I would say it's because now that my student life will end in a month, I'll have to start making something out of myself. I'll no longer have the luxury falling back on 'student' status. It'll be my very first trip as a 'graduate' with a bachelor's degree verus the world, kinda like holding a pea-shooter against a charging rhino eh?
If there's one thing I need, it's that someone to inspire and encourage me. I know I have the ability to do great things, but no one there to push alongside me. Perhaps it's just an excuse for being lazy you say? No, just someone who is over-emotional and clings to the past. Having that someone would make a big difference. I think that's why everybody needs to be inspired by love, for it conquers all and cushions the blow. And when you finally find that someone but passes you by without them ever knowing, how can you feel enthustiastic and excited about anything? I know many people have gotten over it through regret, hate and anger- that's a bad way to approach it; instead why not graciously surrender and admit 'fate had brought us together, but we have no destiny.' Good memories are always better.