[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT: That sinking feeling already...

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

That sinking feeling already...

I know being away 4 months isn't that long but the journey home was most surreal. It was almost like a living deja-vu... the streets looked so familiar yet I felt detached.
I don't particularly miss Beijing nor am I excited being back. To be honest I didn't even miss anyone. Am I bad person? I know I'll be glad to see friends and family again but if any of them asked me if I missed them I'd say no... then they'd think I'm a complete dickhead! But it's sadly true. Perhaps because I was so engrossed in my work in BJ. But nevertheless I felt anxious coming home, it's like I felt I belonged here. It felt alien. Yet I never got that feeling when I was in Ireland.
I now officially am determined to look for opportunities elsewhere and most likely leave Hong Kong. There's nothing or no-one here to hold me down so I'll have no qualms in doing so. Sometimes I think I'll always walk down this path alone. Difference now is that I accept it, or rather I'm beginning to... I don't want to be bitter or melancholic about it anymore. I also think as if I've seen enough of Hong Kong and what it has to offer. It'd be great if I could be 'based' in HK but working around Asia most of the time.
What's changed I ask myself? Yes, it's due to recent events while I was away. I've been telling people "it's been emotional" during my time in Beijing - a vague but lovely line from Vinny Jones - but more so because I met someone who has indirectly shifted my mode of thought this way. It's almost that same old story again.. and as much as I want to fight it and pull through in the end - with each time seemingly losing a piece of myself - I know the desire to leave is just a cover, again. A sham really. I know I'm strong, disciplined, a soldier's soldier and an adrenaline junkie but I acknowledge there's this part of me that just wasn't designed properly to manage the whole love department. No-one's to blame but myself. I've also begun to learn that many of our problems are self-manifested. So it's time I did something about myself.