[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT

Saturday, September 06, 2008

It's been a tough first week back in Hong Kong. I've somewhat recovered from the dreaded flu but still have enough mucus to fill a snot farm. And you know something's up when I'm staying up this late to blog despite my fatigued state.

The workflow and dynamics of my job description has changed and although I'm always one for change, this one is quite unsettling. Yes, perhaps I've still not settled in fully back into Hong Kong life or the normal work routine but I've begun detesting many things. All the familiar things to me that now seem so alien.

I thought I would come back a fresh man, boosted by my exploits on the mainland. Considering how much I wanted to leave Hong Kong in the first place, it seemed Beijing had done wonders in clearing my mind. Not the city or people itself rather, as I've begun to learn, but it was being away from here. I'm in no position to lambast this place or its people, but I've been struggling to keep afloat in HK and things seem to have went downhill late last year. This place is becoming less 'habitable' for me. I have less friends than before and I can't seem to 'improve' as an individual. I also feel my passion for doing what I do is waning. People say I'm lucky to find a job that suits me, and not to mention working for such a prestigious news organisation. I'm usually humble about it. But secretly inside I'm self-abased. I keep asking myself "is this the best I can do?"

All these problems are, as I've mentioned before, self-manifested. Therefore I feel it cannot be cured by anything tangible. It's time for a complete overhaul of my life and decide what's really best for myself. I've tried living the best I can. There's certainly been good times, I do not dispute that. In fact, life in general has been grand in HK. I've got no serious financial burdens, my skin condition has improved dramatically and I don't need to pay rent. I've got loving parents and family members. I've met wonderful and like-minded people whom I'm proud to call friends.

But this one element has always evaded me for the past, 6 years is it now? In my archives I've written a lot about 'G'. Lifting myself out of that abyss was the hardest thing I had to do - by fucking miles. And as I moved away to this place, thousands of miles away, it manifested itself again in almost the same nature - which is why I was so adamant in taking a 'retreat' to Beijing. (despite having to pay my own rent in order to work for the company) The heavy workload plus excitement of working in a foreign environment did a lot to cleanse me. But now I feel it coming on again. So anyway that's a big STOP sign right there.

And just can't for the love of my life explain why... and why it keeps happening... and more frequently it seems. Sure I'll probably get over it like I had previously. Do I fall in love too easily? I can't say I fall out of love just as easily however. Each time it seems to tear something away from me, leaving me more vulnerable. Suffice to say I'm sick of it. I'm sick of needing to pick myself up each time and having nothing to show for it. But deep down I acknowledge these people were, and are still worth loving. They've been forever ingrained in my memory. They've secretly altered my course in life. And it looks like it's about to happen again. She's... someone I adore very much. A beautiful human being. A cradle of creativity. Purely amiable. Like-minded. We even share a similar story of how our ailments brought us to HK, and how this city has boosted our credentials. But I don't see anything happening. I don't even pretend. Don't bother asking how I know. But that's fine, just a li'l bit of history repeating.

I know, it sounds very fickle. But to me it's a curse. I've said before I'm strong on many fronts, but for some reason I'm very sensitive to this. Almost childish. I wish I wasn't. I don't know understand why and how 'G' spun me in this direction. I was such a different person before I met her. Hell, she didn't even do anything. Again I say, it's self-manifsted.

Tell you one thing though, this flu has inadvertantly given me a lot of clarity. At first I thought this urge to change was caused by my severe grogginess and low spirits, but it's allowed me to look into myself very deeply. What I really want is something that keeps me on the move. I like to be in dangerous situations and I love that adrenaline rush. Living in a big (yet teeny) cosmopolitan city doesn't quite cut it. Rejoining the military is out of the question, however. I'm going to start looking for opportunities elsewhere. And I only decided this coming back home today in my fatigued state. It's begun, and it's oh-so clear to me now. To not follow this path would be hypocritical. And there's nothing I hate more than hypocrites. The ideal job would be as a media worker for an NGO (doubt I'm skilled enough yet for agencies) - hopefully to some godforsaken, war-torn and desolate place. That ought to keep me focused.

I'd hate to say I'm taking it for granted but I'm prepared to leave it all behind. I'm I being too cold and indifferent perhaps? My life may be less complicated if I was indeed cold and indifferent. But then again that wouldn't be like me at all. And that's the problem.
Hopefully my next post will be some good news. In some ways I hope it'll be my last... I know I'm sounding bleak. But lately this blog, apart from my Olympic-related posts, has been nothing other than a channel of my own confusion and dejection. While it has been therapeutic, it has to stop some day.

Good night.
p.s: "Mystery of love is greater than the mystery of death"