[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

This song sends a shiver up my spine...

I noticed the song after I watched Closer - and what a depressing film that was.

For me it stokes fear of rejection and love forlon. I've heard stories of individuals unable to get over their ex-partners for years and dwindling into an 'emotional coma' - a term I had mentioned before. My first realisation of this was of my cousin Edmund, who was dumped by his first girlfriend when he was a teenager and subsequently spiralled into depression and isolation. He's about 27 now and still does retain some of those characteristics. Perhaps that's just his personality now but when I saw him again last Christmas it reminded me of his sad story. No-one can confirm if he's still grieving over that ordeal all those years ago.

Perhaps I can take comfort that so far I have been spared from the aftermath of any significant long-term relationship. Seeing how Edmund suffered during all those years had made me cautious. To be in a state like that is so fearful to say the least. And listening to this song (and video) reminds me of the cruel flip side of love. Sure, I know some people can get over their ex's quick and hop from partner to partner with ease. But I'm patient and constantly keep my guard up. Ironically, the two people so far in my life who've I let my guard down for... were unrequited affairs. Not from rejection, but I guess quite simply loving the wrong person at the wrong time.

For this current girl I'm slowly closing up again as it were, beckoned by the lessons learned from the first. As much as I thought of severing the friendship thus ending all hope, I think that's the coward's way out. And I know it's cruel to say such things... especially when I'm confronted by such a beautiful soul who did nothing wrong except to be the wonderful person that she is. This attachment blossomed so quickly and freely, and that's why it's so hard to get over it - it's like the harder you get hit the bigger the damage. And because I'm so ashamed and self-hating for being like this, I want to defy these feelings for her and stop being such a hostage to myself. Fuck, I've got so many things I want to do and places to go, I don't need this shit.

Performed by my compatriot Damien Rice.