[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT

Friday, February 01, 2008

Sham-Shui-Po boy of Hong Kong Blogs Review describes my li'l online world as this:

This blogger is not afraid to speak his mind and he has a lot of fire in his belly, whether it's on HK politics, or controversial public issues. Perhaps, all that comes from his Irish side. As for his Chinese side, or HK Chinese side, he sometimes uses profanity as an all-purpose adjective like some people at the rough part of Sham-Shui-Po Boy's neighbourhood. It's possible that some of his potential readers could get turned off by that. However, he does have some admirable traits that are uniquely Hong-Kong.

Sham-Shui-Po Boy says, this bicultural blogger has some thought-provoking things to say, and he possesses some of the better qualities of his two worlds.

While a agree with the whole profanity use - it is after all a way of life - I'm afraid I've misplaced that fire in my belly. I seem to have hit a state of apathy and self-lingering for the moment. Sorry, SSP dude.


Since I've rediscovered my love for fitness training, I've been out running as much as I can. But for a long time I haven't had to endure a long run - a 12km route from The Peak to Aberdeen in the nippy cold. My mind was so clear and aloof after that gruelling but rewarding experience. Unfortunately I had only a few hours sleep the night before so I scurried home for a quick nap. For some reason 'G' popped back in my head... and if you haven't read my recent posts, she's a close friend I was madly in love with for 3 years - an unrequited love. For one thing I never confessed it, hoping that it would fizzle out eventually. You can never say how quickly one can fall out of love, but anyway it took me 3 years and a strange skin condition to succesfully distract me.

Fast forward nearly 3 years later today, I can safely say I don't feel that way anymore, but always consider her a good person and friend. Besides I've escaped thousands of miles here to Hong Kong. Yet, if someone asked me in the future if I had any regrets, I would think of what I had went through with 'G'. Not that I regret those feelings, but never divulging how I really felt, even if it was unconditional and just for the sake of saying it - besides she had a boyfriend. For me to have went through those 3 years in such a confused and blurred state was unfortunate to say the least. It came to be because she's the first one to have made me felt that way. Before it was just all casual and play, never wanted anything long-term. I can only count a few happy memories during those 3 years. For the most part, I drank and smoked a lot, and was so wrapped up in self-woe. Near the end of university I managed to pull myself together briefly and passed my exams. No one said getting a certificate was this difficult.

When I think of me - Edwin Lee aged 19-22 - I see someone quite different from who I am now. Don't know how exactly, but I feel I changed after that ordeal. Now I can talk about anything and am constantly goofing and joking around. I am still a tad melancholic though. One thing I missed about Ireland was stargazing. A lot of times I would lie on a beach chair in my garden and just smoke away while staring above. Why? I just found it soothing. Alas that's something I can't do here.

I decided to give 'G' a call since I haven't spoken to her in ages and she didn't go back home for Christmas. After telling her how I've been feeling about this other girl, I managed to sum up the courage to tell her how I felt about her for those 3 years. I was apologetic and aloof about it and careful not to sound too gloomy. After a long four-second pause, I think she reacted calmly so I guess not much damage was done. When we hung up 1.5 hours later, I sat back to see if anything changed. Initially, not much. But I know deep down this issue has finally been resolved and these long, subconcious thoughts have finally dissolved into oblivion. It's subtle relief.

So what's been bugging me for the past 3 months is a case that's becoming eerily familiar. I promised myself to never fall in that trap again like with 'G'. I can't be bogged down like this again... not at a time like this in my life - and my skin condition improving - when I'm now beginning to make up for all that lost time and re-prioritising my goals and objectives... She is someone like 'G', but definitely not a substitute - yet equally wonderful and enchanting in their own ways. And yes, she has a boyfriend too. Perhaps it's because I've been out of the game for so long, or maybe the fact she's unavailible is what I find so appealing, just like with 'G'? I avoided any relationships since coming to HK because I'm still self-concious about my skin condition (and the whole medicinal aspect) and have been unfit since, hence the revival of my fitness training.

I can say she's the first one since 'G' that I've had any strong feelings for. Ironically as well, I want her to be happy with who she's with. But I may be deluding myself at times. Though I keep my composure every time at work or socially, secretly I've been slowly sinking. Work is getting more dreary, can't sleep, nothing's of interest and been out of touch with friends lately. I'm sorry guys. It's also due to my work attitude... it's no secret I don't enjoy doing podcasts. While I long to get out on the field to do some video work, it's not as exciting as it used to be. I feel this is just becoming more like a 'job' rather than a passion to produce creative visual content. I secretly desire to do some dangerous work, like dropping into a warzone or a crisis event. That'll get the creative juices running.

If I've got one advantage, it's the fact that I got dealt a harsh lesson after 'G'. I know what the outcome would be like if it drags on. I hope to find my way again, work hard on my dream to be a successful documentary filmmaker and travel the world.