[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT

I'm just glad all those big family dinners are over... I avoided the shopping and carnival areas like the plague. Yes, I'm still weary of big heaving crowds... Now my mom's making me wake up at 5am to visit the temples and appease the gods... aiya

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Been playing guitar a lot lately, as I've taken it up again after a 3-year hiatus. And I'm glad to say that I can now strum some of my old favourites again: Stand Inside Your Love, Bullet with Butterfly Wings, 1979, Mayonaise, Zero, Disarm, Tonight Tonight and a new song I learned today, Galapogos and the Lord of War theme. I don't intend to join a band or write my own songs, I just find it very satisfying to play and sing my favourite songs.

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I think I'm starting to miss home, not just friends and family, but the idyllic quiet suburban surroundings and the quaint pub atmosphere. More importantly the open sky! Perhaps the chilly weather reminds me of dreary 'aul Dublin? Or maybe I'm getting weary of uber-metropolitan life - there's always something to do and everywhere's within distance, so you really have no excuse not to go out all the time! After all, I was never mentally prepared when I first moved here. Seemed I just flung myself into the throes of Hong Kong life and never really settled on my feet yet. It's just been just over 2 years but man there's been enough ups-and-downs to make it feel like a second life already.

I've been pondering whether I'll stay in Hong Kong in the near future. There's been many instances where that issue has come up in conversation, and every time I end up with conflicting resolutions. Looking at it right now, if I just got up and left, there wouldn't be anything to tie me down here. Sure I'll miss my new-found friends, but that's what keep in touch is for right? And this job? I don't want to sound disloyal, but recently I've been spiralling into a severe case of inertia and apathy, and I've begun dreading going to work. And yes it's partly interconnected with a recent unrequited secret love-interest. The process in getting over it while maintaining that friendly composure is what's bringing me down lately. I really have only myself to blame, to let those feelings sink deeper than they should have and ignoring all those warning signs. I'm still debating whether I want the 'final nail in the coffin' treatment or just give it some time to pass. I'm not trying to be cold and calculating with all this, but these things can be quite overpowering sometimes... and when I think of 'G', I regretted not being able to keep it in check, and I was too afraid of what'll happen if I spilled the beans (of which I did recently, of course now it's irrelevant). Maintaining that close friendship was what mattered and I have to admit it was so tough and distressing for those 3 years. So that's why it's so important to not let that happen again, it's just not worth it. Sure, 'go out and meet new people' and all that jive... it's not that I don't (but not too much lately), but what I'm going through is not some juvenile superficial crush that can simply be replaced... Like 'G', I believe it's those rare people you meet in life that seems pre-ordained, or to sound more corny - like finding a soulmate, and one that's worth loving too. The stages of getting to know one another was blissful and enchanting. But like 'G' again, there never was that romantic spark, of course the boyfriend was one obstacle. But even so, I respect their relationship. And even though this girl has issues with hers, I sincerely do hope she can settle for the right one after a rather convoluted love life. Am I self-abasing? Perhaps it's my subconcious way of getting over it.

As for work, I shall soldier on till at least whether I can get to go to the Beijing Olympics. It'll look damn good on my CV don't you think? The ideal job I would love right now is to get hired onto a film/documentary crew and work in some godforsaken faraway place... and get paid!

So happy new year to all of you, and don't rely too much on joss sticks and prayers... because shit happens anyway.

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Is taking cocaine OK when they'll say they won't become an addict? Seems self-defeating doesn't it? Seeing a close friend spiral in that direction is heartbreaking. Her anti-depressants mask her true nature and it's really hard to see what she's really like. It's only recently I discovered she harbours a self-destructive personality which stems from emotions like I had suffered, only she had them a lot longer. I can't blame her for this vicious cycle she's in - I know if I hadn't stayed off the alcohol for the past 2 years I'd be getting pissed all the time like a true Irishman (pardon the generalisation!). But hard drugs? Nah, I've witnessed too many horror stories to rub my nose in that shit.

She's off to warmer pastures for the time being, and had promised to look after herself. Of course, she'd have no qualms to tell us to fuck off and do whatever she likes - to her maybe we're too square or narrow-minded on drugs. Or maybe it's the pressure of living too close to Central and surrounded by all those expat twats who have nothing better to do than show off their wealth and drug connections.

Emma, 'for every chemical, you lose a piece of your soul'. You don't need that shit.