[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT

Yes folks, after I brief intermission I'm here with another moan. Well, at least it keeps things in perspective for me. So here goes:

It doesn't look like I'm making much headway on finding 'new opportunities' out there. As much as I'd like to disappear for a while the consequences of my lavish spending in Beijing is starting to catch up with me. I'm still in the red - not too knee-deep - but I ought to be safely afloat on some sort of cash surplus before I quit and go gallavanting around somewhere. Looks like the only adventerous thing I'll be doing before the end of the year is the Angkor Wat marathon. And yet I've been procrastinating on organising the damn excursion: haven't applied for annual leave yet, no plane tickets or registration. Secretly I'm waiting for some good news so I can resign in November and be free by December and start 2009 afresh.

My work mentality has always been about doing tasks to the best of my ability, even the shittest of all tasks. For example, if there's some frivilous and irrelevant video I'm working on, I'm still going to produce a finely-edited piece of work. But now I feel I work like a careless automaton - devoid of emotion and overlooking simple mistakes. Where's the passion gone? In fact, the last time I really felt excited producing a video was last November, the one about laser graffiti. Out of all the credits I've got that's definitely the one I'll be proud of. I think this kind of ties in with my waning interest in video. Or at least web video.

My boss tells me when one does change job in this field, you can't just move 'laterally', you've got to keep moving up. Well, to be honest I wouldn't even mind moving down - as in lower pay - to get the thrill I want. Hell, I wouldn't mind not getting paid if someone was willing to send me into a war zone or desolate country doing what I do best. I don't mean to sound like a masochist, but I've always been fascinated about war journalism. I would very much like to see how I'd fare in such environments. I actually sometimes day dream about being in the military again. Hmm.

I met a musician today who's song 'Shoebox in a City' reminded me of my current predicament. On the one hand it's about her rather claustorphobic apartment in SoHo and the transience of Hong Kong on the other - how everybody comes and goes. Yet, in the end she takes solace and accepts 'the view' from her apartment. Should I accept it too? Someday, but not now. I will not compromise my spirit to go do the things I want to do in the name of journalism. This feeling of change must be reconciled soon. It's really dragging me down. Starting to get slightly anhedonic to be honest. Eek. Even the spoils of a good night out along with alcoholic revelry is very short-lived. I go to cinemas, museums, art galleries, gigs and I just can't seem to take anything inspirational away with me. The only task remotely satisfying is the most physically toughest and that's running/jogging till I'm completely shattered. That feeling when you're at near-collapse is such a high! All the world's troubles seem to float away once you're panting away and gasping for air.

But yes, ultimately I need to do something challenging and also meaningful in the macro sense. Not just for me, but for the benefit of others - like telling stories or recording scenes that ought to be known about, no matter how difficult the task. It's vague, I agree. But I can't tell you anything else that I'd rather do in my life. And when you see that goal dangling in the distance, how can you be content just sitting on your arse and not knowing how to go about achieving it? And furthermore, Past grievances over love-forlorn has made me realise that if I have to walk this path alone then so be it. I don't want to get hung up on these issues anymore. If it's not meant to be, it's just simply not meant to be, Ed. Fuck's sake... just FUCK IT!!