[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT: "An Emotional Coma"

Monday, February 25, 2008

"An Emotional Coma"

While cleaning up my DVDs cabinet, I stumbled upon a film I bought awhile ago called Paris, Je T'aime - a collection of short films about love in Paris - and I do use that term loosely as it's not just about 'boy meets girl' kind of stories. One of the shorts titled Bastille, and because it was subtitled, part of the dialogue goes "when she died in my arms, he fell into an emotional coma and never recovered." And as I thought about the phrase 'emotional coma', I think I finally found the term to describe myself for those 3 years with 'G'. It's kind of odd and satisfying that I'm able to label it now after all this time.

Loosely defined: the emotional coma is a condition caused by experiencing too many emotions, so the sufferer has to shut down all emotions in order to regroup and be able to once again function at a normal level...

Back then I was so overwhelmed that I was in a constant state of shock. No amount of time spent with friends and family or activities was able to really put my feet back on the ground firmly. Sometimes I wish I never met her. She really put a spell on me. I promised myself to never feel that way again. At least I could say now that I woke up from that coma, ironically replaced by a more physical (at times psychological, too) medical condition. So I ask, how can I let myself fall into another self-induced coma again? I feel as if it's a test: has she fallen upon me so I can rectify the mistakes I made with 'G'? Or can fate be so cruel to let inflict me once again with the same wounds?

Unfortunately, it's not just about her - lately I've been asking myself a lot of questions about career, finance and life in general. For it to resolve I need to settle these perequisite questions:
1) I've made a life here in Hong Kong but do I really want to settle here? After all, I never intended to if it wasn't for my medical condition. Yes I'll miss the friends and contacts I've made here but still... nothing here's really worth tying me down, all assets I own can be sold off. If a great job opportunity came my way and I had to move overseas I would gladly take it.

2) What field do I want to work in? Is the media industry really fit for me even though I abhor commercialism and the fickleness of news reporting? I always say I want to be involved in documentaries but in what way exactly?? And besides, one can hardly make much money in that industry unless you're really talented... something I do not doubt on my part.

I fear the more time I spend idling, the bigger chance I'll fall into this so-called emotional coma again. In fact, who's to say I'm not already in it? I have no enthusiasm anymore and every night I struggle to sleep... the problem compounded by the fact that I for no reason wake up half-way and cannot sleep fully afterwards. It's been like this for almost 2 months and it's starting to take a toll...

I wouldn't dare use the 'D' word, though... i.e. depression. That's when you're locked in a room with no light. In this case I've got a window. Just need to get up off my lazy arse and climb through it. Yet, I'm ashamed of being like this, and letting people know me like this lately. Not that I'm afraid to show weakness, but because no matter how much they offer to help or try to reconcile, in the end I'm the only that can help me. And the very person who might also help, can never know. At least for now.