[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT

I was flicking back and forth on the 5 channels of my TV so fast it'd give you a seizure. Cantopoppy dramas on the home channels, some sappy business programme and horse-racing coverage on the English channels. Oh, and Bloomberg on the other. Enough said about that.

I was slouched on the sofa and waiting for my water to cool (yes, I only drink boiled water) so I had the luxury of channel surfing, even though there's feck all to surf with. But to my bemusment I stopped on one of the cantopop dramas on Jade about this young married couple talking about their future plans - the husband proclaiming his vision for their future, business and their children. The young wife beamed with happiness at such a confident and visionary
individual.

As cheesy as the acting was, I don't know why but that got me thinking about my future too. I threw myself on the bed and just stared at the ceiling for who knows how long. "Where am I headed? What future do I want for myself? Is this the industry I want to be in? Am I living life to the potential?" Perhaps it's just a mini premature case of a mid-life crisis. I didn't really know how to answer my own questions, which kinda made the whole experience irrelevant. I always wondered what life I'd have if I stayed in the military. Would I have become a UN Peacekeeper like I had wanted to by now? That would be just so cool if I can re-enlist and get propelled to some godforsaken country. Everyday expecting the unexpected, being there on the field.

I don't wanna live an aimless life, earn an income, spend it, socialise and just call it a day. It's not that I don't enjoy my job, but having been settled in and used to it, I know it'll be time to look for new opportunities soon. But I yearn to 'get lost' again like I did after finishing school. Just pointed in a random direction and see what happens when I get there. No support, no one to expect when I get there. It didn't solve all my problems but the freedom and solace I gained is something you can't buy with money.

Perhaps I'll do it soon enough. Can't live life too comfortably, gotta always keep moving and improving or else I'll take things for granted and get stuck in a rut.

Gotta stop falling in love with the wrong person. I don't want to go through that gauntlet again.