[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Hmpf. I knew fate would be so cruel to try and inflict me with the same wound again. The events and emotions that unfurled with her over these past months ran almost parallel as it had with 'X'. It was an ordeal I promised myself to never suffer from again. Obviously I failed.

Because what she told me today confirmed another relapse of 'X'. No need to say what it is but what's important is that it's something eerily similar to what had happened before with 'X'. And that's what's pissing me off so much today. I'm already withdrawing myself from these feelings and yet I had to be hit with this.

I'm not mad at anyone in particular, I'm just mad that it's seemingly happening all over again and out of my control. I've seem to have either stumbled upon a really fucked up series of coincidences these past months, or perhaps it's just plain cruel fate. Why has it been so much pain with the only two I've ever loved? And why can't I shut it off when there's no hope?? During these times my heart felt like it weighed a tonne, and it did genuinely hurt sometimes when I thought of them, be it when I stare out of the bus window or staring up at my ceiling on a regular sleepless night.

It's just so fucking ironic that it's come full turn after all that time. At first I knew this was turning into another 'X' type scenario. Now it really is. Just imagine the worst episode of your life doing a re-run, only with a different character. Naturally one would ask themselves: "WHY WHY WHY did it have to happen again to me?" That's what I'm going through. I mean, forget her, this is something really tragic. It's more than unlucky, it's plain fucking pathetic too. Yet, at least these past 5 months wasn't as bad as those 3 years before. I mean, jeez, I was in pieces before I came to Hong Kong. Not to mention my subsequent health problem.

Look at it this way, it cannot get any worse from now on. It's the end of this scenario, this cruel fated trick... ending up as another bad memory. Unrequited love is not courageous or romantic, it's fucking wrong and should be banned.

Anyway, fucking hell, I don't deserve this. Need to get so pissed drunk this weekend...