[chinese blood, irish heart] - DEFUNCT: December 2007

Friday, December 28, 2007

The 'FAS Girl'

Coming back home, I was eager to get up to date as to what's been going on this past year.
Well here's the best: The 'FAS Girl'. An ad campaign by FAS Opportunities on modelling employment. Apparently the ads are finished now so I won't be able to grace her the next time I tour Dublin city.
Real name Georgia Salpa, half Greek/Irish.
Watch out for her in the pilot episodes of 'The Roaring Twenties' beginning on 7th January RTE 10:50pm!


Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas cleaning

Quite embarrassing when I got home for the first time last week, I forgot where the kitchen lights were! Mom wasn't impressed...
I guess I was mentally prepared when I left for HK - I was all ready to leave everything behind and try my luck elsewhere. I am glad to be home of course, though my cold puts a dampener on things. It's possibly the reason why I've been sleeping/napping so much lately, didn't exactly fully partake in all the Xmas festivities. Can't exactly put my finger on it but this year's home-coming feels a little out of place. It's like there's something left undone or maybe I've changed?

Yesterday I visited my first cousins, and it has been years since I've seen them in person and set foot in their house. They live quite near actually, and I always hung out at their 'cooler' home when we were kids. But due to some unforseen family feuds, our relationship suffered behind-the-scenes. But now we put it all behind us and it was good to get to know them again. Hopefully we can get a nice game of paintball before I leave, good 'ol family fun!
I also cleaned out my room, all the junk and clutter just had to go. It was like destroying all proof that I had lived there. Soon, it'll become a spare room. I did manage to find a bunch of my old correspondence letters and journals I've saved up over the years. I admire how they took the time to write so much (and so neatly!) despite the convenience of e-mail. But we've lost touch of each other by now, and it's quite a shame really. We all just decided to stop one day, or maybe found it unsustainable anymore. Maybe I should write them all again one last time for the sake of manners?
All in all, I'm just glad to have this chance to zone out and spend a quiet holiday languishing at home, eating up all the surplus chocos and crisps. After all, no drinking!!!!!! argh
In fact, I think I've spent most of my time sleeping so far. I guess I'm trying to make up for all those sleeping hours I've lost in the past few weeks.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Kowloon Motorcycle Diaries

Richard and I dashed to To Kwa Wan in the wee hours of the morning to film the ice-cream vendors' last official day of operation.
Although I didn't grow up in Hong Kong, I couldn't feel attached but was a little disappointed to see these venerable hawkers' careers coming to an end. Then again, the hawkers themselves seemed quite detached when I talked to them, only the shop owner Mr. Shek was up-in-arms about it.
I wonder how yesterday's candlelight vigil turned out. It's amazing how the public cherishes certain things when they're about to axed. That goes for the media as well!


So... cold

What a dreary journey... my arse was numb from the 12 hour flight. I should've known because KLM's flights are the cheapest among the big brand names. Not to mention I was sitting behind 2 kids - one li'l cute one kept smacking my leg as I was trying to sleep.

We almost got diverted to Rotterdam because of intense fog at Schiphol, but luckily KLM managed to 'lobby' Schiphol and we landed 45 minutes late. So I dashed across for the connecting flight, completely missing my mission to find hash brownies. And for fuck's sake, as I passed the gates, I sat there for another hour because of the fog, and couldn't go back to the main area.

I slept for 13 hours last night, and it was quite surreal to sleep in a complete dead-silence environment, unlike Hong Kong of course. In fact, I slept so much that I'm still tired... how does that work?!

Coming back home was also another surreal experience - I guess when I first left two years ago I was mentally prepared to leave it all behind. So much so I forgot where the kitchen lights were! The house hasn't changed much, although I felt my bedroom was a lot smaller - guess I'm too used to my grandiose one in HK.

The air is strikingly cold and yet so fresh. Last evening I was able to star-gaze for a while, and that's one of the things I missed, standing meditatively with my head perked high for hours on end. The solace will do me good.

Monday, December 17, 2007

It's even a medical situation...

As part of my weekly routine to see my herbal doctor, I thought to myself, why not ask him to check my heart rate since it's been acting weird lately.
I certainly wasn't feeling optimistic when he told me I had an abnormal heart beat, which is caused mainly by stress. He asked if I ran over today, because it seemed like my heart was beating unusally fast, even though I had been sitting there waiting for an hour.
I told him I've been feeling rather shitty these past few months and although he knew what I was talking about, he told me it's something he cannot help me with. Though he did add a few extra herbs to my usual concoction that can help regulate my heart beat a bit better.
Although this abnormality is not rare, especially among children, he says it can be somewhat health-threatening in middle-aged people and over.
Well that's just fucking great, it's now officially become a medical problem as well.
So today, I decided to go for a run to try and clear my head and try to create a diversion for my heart! I ran for as long as I could till I almost broke down, and I know my legs are going to hurt like hell tomorrow. But for those 45 minutes I felt great relief because I had only one thought, and that was too run for as long as I could. And my heart was thumping away so hard I seemed to have distracted it temporarily.
Guess I'll just run everyday then.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Want to disappear

After 3 days of sleepless nights coupled with 3 days of hectic work and numerous coffees and Red Bulls, I'm sure I'll soon collapse and then maybe I'll get some decent sleep for once.

When I was younger I developed a mild heart condition called a 'murmur' - basically an irregular heartbeat that is most of the time non-threatening. Lately, I've been noticing my heart beating a lot harder and slightly quickier. For many years, I've been unable to sleep on my left side because it puts pressure on my heart, causing uncomfort. Yes, I know it sounds strange but I've gotten used to it. I suspect it's because of my body's generation of adrenalin that's been keeping me more awake than I should be physically and mentally. But I'm also suspicious of the root reason why I couldn't sleep in the first place - sending me into this vicious circle - and it's become more acute in the past month or two. I can't remember the last time I've fallen asleep before tossing and turning and cursing for hours.

But NOW I'm really worried. What's changed? It's that I'm feeling that same sort of pressure or numbness even as I'm sitting down typing this and I no doubt will have another stressful time trying to sleep tonight. My breathing's irregular and I feel as if my heart's going to pop out because it's beating so hard. Essentially, my heart hurts.

And fuck, I have to admit it's because of her again.

As much as I try and let go of these feelings and pick myself up, I just can't help giving in into the desire and longing. It's not 'wanting' - yes, she's pretty - but she's also fun, energetic, full of life, in short - a wonderful individual. But like 'G', she has someone already. I admit it's becoming hazardous just being her friend. So why not just break off contact with her? Or even try to win her away? What do I have to lose? Well besides risking a unique friendship, I enjoy her company so much and I don't have the ego or selfishness to do such a thing.

Call me a fucking pussy or whatever, I don't care. As I've grown older I've not been one to look for a fling or date someone just for the sake of social conventions. I wish there was such a machine to erase my memories of her, like in the film 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.' I really, really want to stop feeling so shitty. It's making me insociable and introverted because I keep these things to myself. Perhaps because growing up with a rather lonely and strict childhood, I never was quite chatty and had to depend on myself to resolve issues. I'm not proud of myself for being like this, and writing about all these 'feelings' and conceptions of love. What I wouldn't give right now to fire a few hundred rounds from an AK-47. It's strange though, I find myself quite upbeat among friends and colleagues, always joking and teasing around, but it's not been consistent lately - a certain colleague always complains I sigh too much, and I never noticed it until recently. Nowadays it seems my days end with one long sigh.

I'm flying back to see my family whom I miss so much and to the country I'm proud to call home, yet I can't muster up the resolve to feel excited about it. Right now, I'm just glad to leave Hong Kong for a while. But that's the wrong way to say it because I do like HK, my friends, my job and colleagues here... It's gone all down hill since I've gotten to know her, and without closure, it's going to get worse... even more so if I just keep it to myself like I did with 'G'. I do not want to go down that road again because I barely kept it together for those 3 years. Patience may be my virtue, but it's also been my downfall.

If this is the beginning of that road again, I might face some serious obstacles as to performing my work duties well. I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but this is what past experience has shown me. I had no enthusiasm, didn't want to converse and had no work spirit at all. So, I just had to leave the country, disappear. Would I be willing to give up all I have here? I think these coming few weeks or months will tell.
I'm trying real hard to come to terms with it, believe me. I just cannot for the sake of my life comprehend how it became like this, and why it had to happen again. But it's not like she's a subsititute for 'G', not at all. I just never thought I would meet someone as enchanting as her again.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Early new year's resolution

As I've written before, my skin condition has improved leaps and bounds in the past 2 months. Before I saw this doctor (like, my 10th), I would've had at least 2 flare ups and all that incovenience and mental agony that comes with it.
In fact, it's as if I'm cured, but deep down I know I'm not, it kinda still lingers around. And I fear what will happen when I stop seeing my doctor... I cannot imagine have to keep seeing him once every week forever! Not to mention gulping down that horrid herbal tea night after night.
But I'm confident the worst is over and that's why I've decided to make it my mission to do all the things I hadn't been able to do for the past 3 years due to my skin problem on my hands and feet. And that's a lot of things if you think about it!

Firstly, gotta whip myself back into shape and start learning (and re-learning) physical activities. Maybe take up golf again, go on more hikes and getting into paintball more - it just seems like my kind of thing. (Wargames is just stuipid). Plainly putting it, doing more strenous activities. Nevertheless the exercise will do me good.

This impetus also stems from other unforseen factors... The past 3 years also taught me some harsh emotional lessons. The 'G' incident like I mentioned before was something I hoped doesn't happen again - I waited everyday with bated breath for that moment to come. It peaked when she told me first she wanted to break up with her boyfriend, but it all ended up smacking across my face with her u-turn soon afterwards.

But as sure as the sun sets, it came and bit me back in the ass. It's hard to ignore it, what with the similar scenario. Instead of getting caught in a quagmire like I had with 'G', I've just got to distract myself enough so I don't dig myself deeper. I think it's quite pathetic actually the way I am... friends would say why keep this to yourself or just go for another? I never even solved that with 'G', doubt I'll have a good answer this time around. But like 'G', the problem resolved itself eventually, can't remember when exactly. I can safely say I don't have those feelings for her anymore. Even though we don't liase as often as I'd like, she's off doing her own thing and I'm doing mine, but when we meet again I know we were always old friends.

Yup, so considering this to be an early new year's resolution, I'm going to take up my old physical hobbies and find new ones and be damn good at it... and even if I am 'waiting' for her - which I hate to admit - I'll use the time to be the best person I can possibly be.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

A view not many get to see... or would enjoy

"Do you know where your rubbish ends up?" is the crux of my environmental project. This week I travelled from Lantau's Refuse Transfer Station (RTS) to Nim Wan landfill in Tuen Mun aboard a rubbish freight ship.

Seeing the sheer amount of logistics required to transport our waste to a far away place was quite staggering to me. Reminds of the 'Industry Giant' game I used to play where you had to work out the most efficient way in transporting goods from one place to another.

But these aren't fancy consumer goods or raw materials, but actual waste from a society that is among the world's highest in terms of per family - 1.1 kg per day and rising.

In about 10 years, our three strategic landfills will reach its capacity and right now the Environmental Protection Department is busy addressing the problem - with recent plans for an incinerator in Tuen Mun scrapped.